SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
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How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”