*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’