I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
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New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*