How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.