#WhenIWas12IThought very little 馃檶
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[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
*swipes right on my hand mirror
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
[Psychiatrist鈥檚 Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
If you鈥檙e a size 0 we shouldn鈥檛 be able to see you.
Generation gap…