Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
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[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Storm Tropical Storm
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.