I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
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There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Alexa: *deep breath*
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.