I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
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A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.