Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
that’s really how it is
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.