Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
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Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.