Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
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My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
first you must answer his riddles
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.