When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
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🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Midwest trash talk
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
It’s an epidemic…
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.