There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
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[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.