me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
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I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
My blood type is b hungry.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
The internet is full of many things
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.