*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
You Might Also Like
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
This is the best one I’ve seen
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
reviewed some movies recently
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase