GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
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Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*