cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
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Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
men are simple creatures
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Every haunted house movie:
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.