calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
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People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science