*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
inventing words: clothing
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.