Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
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Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
going to the ER y’all need anything
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall