when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”