When you pick your nose after dusting the house
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Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.