I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
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I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Oops
Lmao
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them