[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
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All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea