if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.