EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
You Might Also Like
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?