I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
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First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night