[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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cause of death:
autopsy.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.