Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
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5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
who wants to go expliring
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
And that about sums it up.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I am yelling
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.