Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
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The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Siri: Retweet me.
omg leave her alone
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no