[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
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“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
my dad has had enough
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.