Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
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Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit