My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
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probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.