He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Very good! 👍😂
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’