I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
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Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
is this meant to deter me