Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
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[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
this has done me in for some reason
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*