women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
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It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“Huge”.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…