I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Sunday
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.