I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
You Might Also Like
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Me too, bag. Me too….
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT