I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
my nickname in college
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”