A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
You Might Also Like
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Fight
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.