Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
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Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.