Milk Cube
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Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.