The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
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Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin