Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
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Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!