Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
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The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
*mops up wine with cat*
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.