Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
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People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
happy valentine’s day to me
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream