This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?