My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
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I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.