I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
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Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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